That’s just the way I am. Deal with it.

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I must officially be an adult now because I have lived long enough to observe enough people’s behaviors and draw conclusions about those behaviors as opposed to my youthful outlook that believed everyone was different, unique, and trustworthy. Turns out, we’re all pretty predictable. One thing I have noticed is people who say things like “well that’s just the way I am, take it or leave it.” “I call it how I see it, that’s just how I am.” “I have a quick temper and that’s just how I am.” “If I have a problem with you I’m going to say it and you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

The problem with these statements is that the person is saying to you “at some point in our relationship I’m going to be a jerk to you and I don’t care. That’s just who I am and I’m not going to apologize or change my ways. It’s your problem if it hurts your feelings.” Now, I believe in grace and forgiveness. I believe we are all in the process of growing and maturing in the Lord and that we are all at different points in our walk. Some people feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit in areas that others don’t and it’s not my place to judge where another person is in his or her spiritual walk.  What I do have a problem with is the fact that the person who says “that’s just the way I am,” must have some knowledge that they are like that, otherwise they wouldn’t make such a statement, AND that they know it’s not really a Christ-like attribute otherwise they wouldn’t feel the need to warn you just in case they do or say something jerkish.  Yep, I just made a word.  Someone who is acting like a jerk, as in jerkish behavior.

I have said all of these things before but what I didn’t realize was that by admitting I wasn’t behaving right but not caring about it, I was slamming the door in the Christ’s face preventing him from making any changes in my character for the better. I understand people are people and if you’re a direct person then be a direct person. Be whoever you are because we all are who we are for a reason and the trials that we are put through by God to refine us to be more Christ-like are part of our spiritual growth that enable us to help others. It all comes down to this…do people see the changes Christ has made in you or do they see someone who is using grace as an excuse to knowingly continue to act against God’s will and out of alignment with Christ’s character?

And I apologize to anyone I have ever said these words to. I hope you will forgive me as I am working on forgiving myself.

FB, the Great Divider

I am so burnt out on social media Christians who feel it’s their biblical duty to “warn” everyone about anything and everything that doesn’t go along with their version of what Christianity should be. I’ve seen articles from how we’re channeling Buddhist deities from mandalas in coloring books to how yoga is a slap in the face of Jesus if we dare throw a mat on the floor and stretch (even if we’re not doing “yoga”). Essential oils, acupuncture, chiropractic, meditation, not recycling, not lifting our hands when we sing, lifting our hands when we sing, bumper stickers, speaking in tongues, not speaking in tongues, Christian music that doesn’t sound like the music you listened to when you were young,…you name it there’s someone out there who is trying to convince us how we’re doing it wrong. Seriously folks it’s not that hard. This is why we have the Holy Spirit. Jesus did not say “and I will ask the Father, and he will give you Facebook to help you,” in John 14:16. We develop a relationship with Christ who speaks to us through the Holy Spirit. Do we all feel conviction over the same things? Newp! Philippians 2:12 folks. Work out your own salvation. Don’t worry about what your brother is doing, just be and pray. Actions speak louder than words. Or Facebook posts. If we have relationships with the people around us then they will see if our actions are truly Christ-like and will learn from us. If we nag them on social media…”woah that sinner had the audacity to unfriend me.” If we’re all focused on the same goal (Jesus) then we will all be moving in the same direction without any of us feeling the need to take the wheel in someone else’s life if their life doesn’t look like ours. When you take control you are taking control away from Christ. Does that mean that we have the power to take thwart Christ? No but it may cause you to have to take the long way through a situation because you fought God every step of the way thinking you knew better than God.
The only thing we’re accomplishing with this finger pointing is paralyzing us in our relationships to Christ. It’s taking the focus off of what is important. God forbid the baby Christians that are getting bombarded with these new additions to the 10 commandments become paralyzed with fear that everything they’re doing or thinking is wrong and so they give up. We’re crossing into dangerous territory when we decide what is good for us as an individual is what everyone should follow. Yes I’m being general here. The basics, no we do not sway from true Biblical doctrine but there’s a lot of areas that are not spoken of in the Bible. This is where conviction comes in. However, when we feel the need to split hairs and add to that doctrine, then we are placing ourselves in a straitjacket of legalistic ideology. Old Testament anyone? This is exactly why people outside of our Christian bubble call us hypocrites. We can point fingers and condemn but we’re not looking at the board in our own eye. Social media is definitely dividing and conquering.
Right now everybody is freaking out over who they want you to elect for President. It’s driving me nuts. If everyone was as concerned with their relationship to the only supreme ruler we will ever need then it wouldn’t really matter who the President of the United States is because if we believe with all our fried chicken eating hearts that God is ultimately in control, then we have the assurance that whatever happens is God willed and directed. So perhaps we Christians should get our noses out of each other’s butts and into our Bibles.

Do I have to die? Well, yes and no.

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I was doing some reading for one of my classes in search of a verse to support a topic I was researching and I came across this verse.

John 15:13 (KJV) “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

Many times I have heard people talk about this in relation to someone giving up their life as in dying.  When I thought about it though I wondered, how can you show love to your friends by dying.  That’s a once in a lifetime (for real) opportunity to show your friends how much you care.  And really, HOW would one do that?  I mean would someone consider, “you know I really really love my friends so this Christmas I’m going to give them the gift of dying for them.”  Seriously, check yourself into a mental hospital.  Yes, Jesus loves me (see what I did there).  Yes, Jesus showed me His love by dying on the cross for me.  And for us to give up our lives in order to love one another as Christ loves us then we are fulfilling John 15:13.  Like it says in Philippians 1:21, “for me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”  I never even came close to understanding what that verse meant until now and I think I’m still not quite sure.  But, for me, being alive means that I am to be Christ to others and when I die to myself; to my desires, my wants, my earthly passions I am giving up myself to God’s will which is so much more perfect and fulfilling than any desire I might have.  And ultimately when I die in my physical body it will be gain because I lived a life of service in Christ.

So how does this apply to everyday life?  If I love my friends then I can give up my weekend of napping and Netflix to help her accomplish something whether it be getting over a bad situation, being an exercise accountability partner, feeding her dog while she goes out of town (though nobody loves me enough to try this with my dogs).  Do you understand what I’m saying though?  I am not dying physically to help my friends.  I am allowing the death of my time and will because HER needs are more important than MY wants.  Of course I’m saying “her” as in only friends but it can also mean my husband and my family.  My desires are less important than their needs.  If my child was upset over something no matter how trivial to us, wouldn’t I stop what I’m doing to go comfort her even if it was a marathon Walking Dead weekend?  It’s obviously important enough to her to be upset about so it doesn’t matter if it’s not important to me.  The child is important.  The friend, the husband, the family member…they are all more important.

Now here comes the disclaimer.  I am not a Biblical scholar.  The Greek/Hebrew/Aramaic word in the original text may actually mean physical death but this is what came to mind as I was reading over the verses.  So if I’m wrong I guess we’ll see when we get to heaven.  Or until someone who can translate all those words tells me I’m wrong.  I think it’s still worth applying to our lives whether I got the words right or not.

Thank you for letting me share.

Throw Your Hands in the Air Like You DO Care

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I was scanning through the radio stations this morning on my way to work, I channel surf the radio the entire time it’s on, but I came across this song by Lorde called Team.  In that song is the lyric “I’m kind of over gettin’ told to throw my hands up in the air. So there.”  I’m sure you’ve heard this in songs since the dawn of rap/hip-hop…throw your hands in the air and wave em like you just don’t care…and then usually the song goes on to list a slew of other things you can do if you just don’t care.  Kind of like a musical Simon says.  Anyway, this got me to thinking that while I am with Lorde and getting tired of being told where to throw my hands I also was thinking about how we praise and worship God.  How I praise and worship God.  Let’s not dilute the waters by making general statements here.  This is all about me.

I have always wished I could worship with reckless abandon like I see so many others doing.  Now, I do think some people are just showing off but there are times I have been so full of the spirit I wanted to take off running around the building as fast as I can, maybe even clearing a pew or two like an Olympic hurdler, though neither running nor hurdling has ever been a successful venture for me.  There have been times when I just wanted to simply raise my hands but never did because it felt weird.  If I have to be brutally honest, it felt weird because I didn’t want anyone to think I was one of those pew hurdling Bible thumping Pentecostal types.  Not that I think there’s anything wrong with that but it just aint me.  Well, I do also worry about pit stains.  Anyway…  It took me years to work my way up to just closing my eyes and crying but I didn’t want to stop there.  I wanted to raise my hands, I wanted God to see me full on receiving his love but I just never could do it.  Until now.

A couple of weeks ago I attended a women’s Tres Dias event and let me tell you, I had a come to Jesus moment.  About a hundred of them.  If God can hang on the cross and die a brutal death and be separated from his father just for lil ol me then surely I could get my hand out of my pocket during worship services once in a while right?  Why was that such a struggle for me?  Why did it take being in a room full of people lifting their hands and praising Jesus before I could even consider it?  Even then it still took me a long time to actually do it but when I finally did it was like a dam had broke.  I finally surrendered.  But the question is, am I ashamed of my experience with Jesus?  This is what was, and in some areas still is, holding me back from real worship with Christ.  As we stood in the chapel and sang that last day I finally was able to throw my hands in air like I didn’t care.  I didn’t care who was watching, I didn’t care what they were thinking.  That moment was between me and the Lord.  The real Lord, the risen savior, Yahweh.

Luke 9:26 says, “Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.”  Mark 8:38 says the same thing.  Likewise, Matthew 10:32 says “Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.”

This is not intended to cast judgment on people who don’t raise their hands in worship.  Some people aren’t led to do it and that’s fine.  My problem was I WAS led to do it and I didn’t.  I wanted to but I cared too much about how silly I would look (and pit stains) instead of caring that I was doing what He wanted me to.  I’m still not real comfortable with it but I will get over that.  I’m sure spikes in the wrist aren’t real comfortable either, know what I’m saying?

40 Going on 8

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It’s amazing how something so insignificant can take me back to the raw emotion of that little kid who didn’t feel like she was as good as everyone else around her.  That she didn’t deserve the nicer things everyone else had and was duty bound to prove that not only did she not need any of those things, she really didn’t want any of those things.  I could make do with what I had and be perfectly happy.  I didn’t need people and I didn’t need stuff.  Really though  I wasn’t happy.  I was angry and for a while I could hold it in.  I could go off by myself and occupy my time with the things I did have and did enjoy and as long as everyone else was out of sight they were also out of mind and that’s where I liked them to be.
I’m still on my recovery journey and though I have dealt with a lot of issues that caused such a stir in myself and the glasses in which I look through, mostly at the mirror, and the world around me are starting to clear up, it has been slow going.  God is only revealing a little at a time.  He knows my temper and he also knows my breaking point.  When you exercise you don’t exercise for hours at a time then expect to achieve the desired result as soon as you’re done.  No, like everything else it takes time but not just time.  There has to be a concerted effort made throughout this time.  That’s the part that stinks but God is with me.  He is leading me on this gentle journey, ripping off one Band-Aid at a time.
One of the questions in my step study last night was what does “easy does it” mean to me?  Well, this is exactly what it means to me.  Not getting in a hurry to try to fix things that I don’t realize enough of what the problem is to even know where to begin.  It means only dealing with what God has put in front of me in the time that He has put it there.  While we were going through these questions I had a feeling I would be tested today.  And though He tested me while keeping me out of direct fire, He did allow me to feel some of the heat.  I failed.  Miserably.  Again.  But since it was a toe dip into what is usually a high dive into the pool of rage and not full on immersion into a situation in which I have not proven myself to be steady I see that He hasn’t given up on me and sees me worthy of the test.
And this is why I continue on my recovery journey. I want this exercise.  I want to be tested. I want to be refined by the fire until there’s nothing left but an iron faith in Jesus Christ and kung fu Jedi master control of my emotions.  I can only do this by understanding that my worth is not found in how I feel about myself compared to the other kids or their stuff.  My worth is found in Christ alone.

The Wonderful Sarcasm of God

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Do you believe God has a sense of humor?  If you believe that we are made in His image which includes the capacity to have His characteristics and some of us have crazy senses of humor then you have to believe God has one too.  However, do you believe God can also be sarcastic?  Yes, I do.

I haven’t shared this openly because it’s not one of those things that people talk about but I was thinking, if everyone is supposed to share all of their burdens then what is it about this burden that I can’t take to the throne and ask for help in prayer?  So I decided I would pray about it and give it to God.  And I did.  For at least a year.  I prayed about it then worried about it.  I gave it to God then I took it back.  I wrestled with God but mostly myself.  Now I can talk to myself all day but to wrestle with myself takes some force of nature but I have the scars to prove it.

One day I was fed up and decided I would have a real knock down, drag out argument with God.  He can take it right?  What did I have to lose?  Either he would tell me no and I would be in the same situation that I am in, He would strike me dead which would eliminate the problem for me OR he could bless me which would also eliminate the problem.  My biggest argument was that I had heard people from every walk of life tell about how they were down to their last dollar and they prayed and a few days later they got a check in the mail for the amount they needed. Blah blah blah.  It seemed like everybody had a similar story except me.

Well, I thought I’d just ask God why he sent all those other people help but he never sent me any and He knows what kind of struggle we go through every single week with money and bills and all the mess and drama that comes along with that.   I asked him why He didn’t think I deserved for Him to help me like this once in a while?  I wasn’t asking for a huge sum of money, just enough to get us over until the next check.  Or maybe just enough to pay off the medical bills or maybe just enough that I can get caught up on the power bill.  You know, I wasn’t asking for a trip to the Bahamas.

I decided I would be like Jacob and fight with God until he blessed me.  And you know what?  That week I got a check in the mail for $23.00.  I was already overdrawn by far past this amount so to me $23.00 was like God saying “yeah you want a check, I’ll send you a check?”  I had a laugh and repented of my snarkism and you know what?  The next week I got another check.  It was another $20.00 check but it was $20.00 more than I had last week.  And then you know what?  I got another check from selling one of my textbooks back.  And then I got a refund from school.  None of these were any amount to jump for joy over but the fact that God answered my prayers IS more than enough to jump for joy over.  He was telling me that He heard my prayers and I can trust him with this problem and maybe, just maybe if I stop taking it back from Him He can actually make something big happen.

So yeah, God has a sense of humor and I love it.  Even the sarcasm of God is wonderful.

Can I just say…fear sucks.

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Last night I shared with my group some of the issues from my waaay past.  I thought those were done and over with but I guess they will never really go away whether the people involved go away or not.  Now I have two choices here.  I can live in fear that I might encounter some of the people that I am afraid of seeing again or I can wait for them to die, then I won’t have to fear anymore.  Well, that’s just not practical and really I do have a third choice.  I can learn to let God handle the situation if it ever comes up again.  Easier said than done.  Let me give you a for instance.

My first boyfriend was a schmuck and a half and that’s putting it lightly.  He was a real doody-head pootie pants. (edited for certain viewing audiences). I doubt he’s reading this because I’m not even sure he can read but if he is…there you go.  I said it.  Anyway, we were together for six months, three of which I spent trying to get away from him.  I don’t know how he finally let go but something shiny must have caught his attention and off he went to stalk someone else.  Now, I realize my story could have ended a lot worse and many young girls’ stories have.  I’m not trying to make this worse than it is but it set the stage for every person I took up with after that.  It twisted my already twisted mental image of me and how I thought I didn’t deserve better.  This was in high school.  Wait, let me back up.  He was my second boyfriend.  My first was Leroy in kindergarten and he was really sweet.  If I was nicer to him things might have been different.  I was so mean to him…anyway that’s a story for a different day.

Ok, back on topic.  I used to think if I ever saw my old stalker boyfriend again I’d run over him with the car.  I hated him that bad.  I hated him for years.  I hated him so bad that what I felt couldn’t be described as just hate it was more like an atomic bomb of vampire zombie annihilation.  Then one night I did run across him, not literally run across him but I saw him.  It was the only night my husband (my first husband) missed our weekly bowling team.  The only night I would be completely alone and there HE was.  Same stupid face, same stupid hat on the back of the same stupid head.  Seriously, who wears their hat like that?  Same stupid mannerisms, stupid rolled up jeans, stupid stupidity. And all those years of hate that I thought I had reserved for this moment left me.  Stupid hate.  Unreliable hate.  I froze.  I just stood there staring at him like an idiot.  All these thoughts and emotions came rushing back to me, the first one being “just like my husband to NOT be here when I need him,” the second being “oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap.”  

I finally pulled myself together enough to duck behind the ball rack before he saw me.  Mature, I know.  I managed to keep an eye on him all night so he couldn’t sneak up on me and boy can I tell you this really wrecked my bowling score. 

He was fresh out of rehab before we started dating and I think sometimes what if he walks into one of the Celebrate Recovery meetings?  What would I do?  Would I shake his hand and be cool about it or would I freeze up again?   Just thinking about it now is giving me a metallic taste in my mouth.  Would I hide in the bathroom or walk out of the meeting?   The big question is how can someone from so long ago still have such a grip on me?  Honestly, I don’t think it’s him that has the grip on me.  I think it’s me who still has the grip.  If I am truly able to let go of this and give it to God then I don’t have to worry about what I would do if he walked into a meeting.  More like slithered on his belly into the meeting, wait did I type that out loud? 

My point is that fear is a lot like hate.  The other person doesn’t know you fear or hate them (unless you throw rocks through their windows or slash their tires which only happened once…kidding). The fear and hate is for me, not him and I’m the only one it’s harming.  He has no idea and I’m willing to bet he doesn’t even remember me and if he does he probably remembers me incorrectly.  Idiot.  But I take a LOT of comfort in Romans 12:19, “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”  BOOYAH!  

I take more comfort in this though, “I will fear no evil, for you are with me,” Psalm 23:4 and another one from the Psalms; 27:1 “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”  Nobody and nothing, that’s who!  So get in line fear and hate.  I’m leaving you in Las Vegas.

No woman no cry

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Here’s a little something that’s been on my mind today.  Yes, another Celebrate Recovery post.  Please, don’t leave.  You may find this interesting.  And I will post a picture of my puppy so you will feel warm and fuzzy when you’re done reading.  Ok, now that the begging is done.

Let’s begin.  I have noticed something while participating in my CR group.  There are a lot of married people that attend recovery alone.  Many of the men can’t convince their wives to participate and many of the women are there to recover from bad relationships.  When my husband started attending I thought I’d just go along to show support and really to see what they do in these meetings that would fix him.  Are they really helping people in constructive ways or are they all sitting around in a circle drinking gallons of coffee commiserating about how much they hate their lives?  Either way, I wasn’t there for me, I was only there to make sure he went and to show support for him.  What I came to realize later was that I had issues too.  Another big duh moment but seriously, even though I felt like the bigger issue was his I still spent many years developing ways to get around what was going on in our house.  I learned ways to internalize, suck it up and deal, duck and cover if there was a hint of anything that was about to go downhill. I learned to react in ways that didn’t help the situation, my husband or myself.

And here’s another kick in the pants…my husband seems to have grown farther and faster than I have and completely changed his life.  Me, I’m still ducking and covering because I haven’t learned to trust that he’s not going to explode if I say something he might take in another way.  I am the one who still has a problem though I always assumed his issue was bigger than mine.  I am still expecting the old hubby to pop up when the new and improved hubby 5.0 has proven himself to me time and again. However, since I am still in recovery and learning to let my guard down and actually trust, I am becoming a new person as well.  I am becoming the person I was meant to be.  I laugh again.  Not just a giggle either.  I’m talking gut busting guffawing here.  I have a range of emotions that I never thought I’d feel again.  I spent so long being numb and hiding myself that today I feel more like a kid than an adult.  (and usually act like one too)

Then I got to wondering (and this is usually where it gets very dangerous) if I could tell other women about this and get them to participate then maybe they could overcome the hurts that their husband’s had done to them.  They could take the twelve steps and learn not just to forgive but also how to get this part of themselves back that they lost during those years of turmoil.  I remember my husband telling me when he first started recovery that Joel 2:25 kept coming to him and back then he didn’t even read the Bible, “and I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, and the consuming locust, and the cutting locust, my great army which I sent among you.”  Take a look at that verse.  God doesn’t just say he will restore the years the locust has eaten.  He gets specific.  He lists the different types of locusts.  If he’s that specific about bugs how specific do you think he will get about your life?  

You may have had all you can take and want to be as far away from the situation and everyone involved as you can. I understand that and that’s your decision. I made the same decision so there’s no judgment here. But whether you stay or go you need healing too.  Think of it as a spiritual spa. I think of my daughter too.  Do I want her to continue to see me as a broken woman held down by past hurts or do I want her to see me a triumphant victor under God’s grace?  Well, honestly I want my daughter to see me as the Xena Warrior Princess of Jesus Christ but I can’t be that and hold on to my hurt at the same time.  Think about it.  Pray about it.  If you want to talk to me about it I’m here.

And as promised…my newest puppy.

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What’s wrong with Aleeya?

People have been asking why I’m in a recovery group. They didn’t know I had a drug or alcohol problem and am I ok?  Well, I don’t have a drug or alcohol problem but I have the same problem that people with drugs or alcohol have…me.  I don’t mean I am the reason why people drink or do drugs.  Well, maybe certain people, anyway that’s not the point.  You will have to read their blog to see how I messed up their lives.

It’s hard to pinpoint why I’m in recovery exactly but I know I have a lot of emotional damage from other people and a whole lot from myself.  Anger and resentment has built up over years of not feeling good enough, that others were better than me, nobody really wanted me around, I’m not worthy of attention or effort, I look different, I don’t fit in, I’m not like everyone else blah blah blah.  Anyway, to break it down as simple as possible, I was so full of anger and resentment that it finally boiled over and it was either get help or die trying.  I was mad all the time.  I would fly off the handle at the least little thing.  I hated my life and everyone’s sole purpose was to make me miserable.

When I finally saw it for what it was I had already lost many years of my life to this darkness and most regrettably the first few years of my kids’ lives with me are gone and I will never get that time back.  I truly wanted to make a difference in their lives and love them unconditionally but what I did was put conditions on everything.  I still do.  My husband is a patient man and he attends recovery with me though that’s his own story.  In recovery I learned how to put my issues at Jesus’ feet and let Him take that weight off of me so I can learn who I am in Him, which is a whole lot better than who I thought I was.  I learned how to have a real relationship with Jesus Christ and not just talk the churchy language.

So yeah, this is why I’m in recovery.  I don’t have fun stories about the drunken days.  Well, maybe one or two.  I don’t have any near death experiences from almost overdosing on drugs.  No crazy arrest stories though there’s still time for that.  Just me and my crazy emotional issues, depression and running from God.  Celebrate Recovery really is for everyone, not just chemical dependencies.  I thank God it was in place when I needed it because I really can’t do this alone.

So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Thank you for letting me share.

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Celebrate Recovery East Coast Summit: Decade of the Newcomer

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Last week my husband and I were blessed to be part of the first ever CR East Coast Summit.  I know I might as well change the name of my blog to be the CR blog but I just can’t get over how God has used this program to completely change my life.  The changes that have happened in mine and my husband’s life have trickled down to our kids, outside family and friends.  Actually, we didn’t have friends before CR. We were antisocial beings. I can’t speak for my husband but I never really liked being around people.  I’m more of a dogs and cats kind of girl and people always made me nervous.  I did have one or two very special friends but I wouldn’t venture out any farther than those one or two people.

I learned so much at The Summit but the one thing that has stuck with me was something that was not taught in any of the classes. While we were there a young man gave his testimony and was talking about how awkward he felt around people but it was because of how he felt about himself and not because of the people around him.  Then my light bulb went off.  It was like the slap of realization finally found my face.  I realized I didn’t like being around people and was generally antisocial because I don’t even know myself that much and as a result I didn’t know how to act around people.

Part of the reason I am in recovery is because somewhere along the way between middle school and now I forgot who I was.  I buried my head in the sand and became whatever the person I latched onto was.  What’s even worse is I can’t remember what happened to make me that way.  Usually people have some defining moment that triggered subsequent behavior but I seriously cannot remember.  I strongly believe this has led to every relationship issue I have had from my parents down to my dogs and especially my husband, poor guy.

While I was going through the step study I told my sponsor that I want to know and am willing to continue to do the studies to help me peel back the layers I have hidden myself under but sometimes I’m afraid of what that will be.  I’m not so worried about myself but I worry it will be something so horrible, maybe something horrible someone did to me by someone that I love very much.  If I figure out what happened how will I look at that person again?  In that very moment my entire history with that person will be rewritten.  I don’t know if I want to go there but then again…I do.

But what if it’s nothing like that at all?  What if there’s really no defining moment and it was all in my head and I never figure it out?  I guess it doesn’t really matter because as a result of the people I went to The Summit with, my CR family, my forever family I am learning that I don’t need a defining moment.  My definition is found in Christ and because of my CR family’s dedication to God, to the meetings and to reaching out to people like me I am realizing that I do like to be around people now.  Yeah, that was a surprise to me but lots of things have been a surprise.  I have always known my family loves me but to be loved by people that aren’t family in a way that is totally not smarmy or make me feel like they want something from me, it’s refreshing. It’s the refreshing tingle of Christ cola. Man, that was bad but you get what I’m saying.

I’m looking forward to taking on some leadership roles and reaching out to people that are hurting. I have always wanted to help people and I think this may be where God is leading me.  I think God will continue to help me by letting me help others and I know my forever CR family will always be there to kick me in the pants or cover me with prayers when I need it.