Last week my husband and I were blessed to be part of the first ever CR East Coast Summit. I know I might as well change the name of my blog to be the CR blog but I just can’t get over how God has used this program to completely change my life. The changes that have happened in mine and my husband’s life have trickled down to our kids, outside family and friends. Actually, we didn’t have friends before CR. We were antisocial beings. I can’t speak for my husband but I never really liked being around people. I’m more of a dogs and cats kind of girl and people always made me nervous. I did have one or two very special friends but I wouldn’t venture out any farther than those one or two people.
I learned so much at The Summit but the one thing that has stuck with me was something that was not taught in any of the classes. While we were there a young man gave his testimony and was talking about how awkward he felt around people but it was because of how he felt about himself and not because of the people around him. Then my light bulb went off. It was like the slap of realization finally found my face. I realized I didn’t like being around people and was generally antisocial because I don’t even know myself that much and as a result I didn’t know how to act around people.
Part of the reason I am in recovery is because somewhere along the way between middle school and now I forgot who I was. I buried my head in the sand and became whatever the person I latched onto was. What’s even worse is I can’t remember what happened to make me that way. Usually people have some defining moment that triggered subsequent behavior but I seriously cannot remember. I strongly believe this has led to every relationship issue I have had from my parents down to my dogs and especially my husband, poor guy.
While I was going through the step study I told my sponsor that I want to know and am willing to continue to do the studies to help me peel back the layers I have hidden myself under but sometimes I’m afraid of what that will be. I’m not so worried about myself but I worry it will be something so horrible, maybe something horrible someone did to me by someone that I love very much. If I figure out what happened how will I look at that person again? In that very moment my entire history with that person will be rewritten. I don’t know if I want to go there but then again…I do.
But what if it’s nothing like that at all? What if there’s really no defining moment and it was all in my head and I never figure it out? I guess it doesn’t really matter because as a result of the people I went to The Summit with, my CR family, my forever family I am learning that I don’t need a defining moment. My definition is found in Christ and because of my CR family’s dedication to God, to the meetings and to reaching out to people like me I am realizing that I do like to be around people now. Yeah, that was a surprise to me but lots of things have been a surprise. I have always known my family loves me but to be loved by people that aren’t family in a way that is totally not smarmy or make me feel like they want something from me, it’s refreshing. It’s the refreshing tingle of Christ cola. Man, that was bad but you get what I’m saying.
I’m looking forward to taking on some leadership roles and reaching out to people that are hurting. I have always wanted to help people and I think this may be where God is leading me. I think God will continue to help me by letting me help others and I know my forever CR family will always be there to kick me in the pants or cover me with prayers when I need it.