People have been asking why I’m in a recovery group. They didn’t know I had a drug or alcohol problem and am I ok? Well, I don’t have a drug or alcohol problem but I have the same problem that people with drugs or alcohol have…me. I don’t mean I am the reason why people drink or do drugs. Well, maybe certain people, anyway that’s not the point. You will have to read their blog to see how I messed up their lives.
It’s hard to pinpoint why I’m in recovery exactly but I know I have a lot of emotional damage from other people and a whole lot from myself. Anger and resentment has built up over years of not feeling good enough, that others were better than me, nobody really wanted me around, I’m not worthy of attention or effort, I look different, I don’t fit in, I’m not like everyone else blah blah blah. Anyway, to break it down as simple as possible, I was so full of anger and resentment that it finally boiled over and it was either get help or die trying. I was mad all the time. I would fly off the handle at the least little thing. I hated my life and everyone’s sole purpose was to make me miserable.
When I finally saw it for what it was I had already lost many years of my life to this darkness and most regrettably the first few years of my kids’ lives with me are gone and I will never get that time back. I truly wanted to make a difference in their lives and love them unconditionally but what I did was put conditions on everything. I still do. My husband is a patient man and he attends recovery with me though that’s his own story. In recovery I learned how to put my issues at Jesus’ feet and let Him take that weight off of me so I can learn who I am in Him, which is a whole lot better than who I thought I was. I learned how to have a real relationship with Jesus Christ and not just talk the churchy language.
So yeah, this is why I’m in recovery. I don’t have fun stories about the drunken days. Well, maybe one or two. I don’t have any near death experiences from almost overdosing on drugs. No crazy arrest stories though there’s still time for that. Just me and my crazy emotional issues, depression and running from God. Celebrate Recovery really is for everyone, not just chemical dependencies. I thank God it was in place when I needed it because I really can’t do this alone.
So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Thank you for letting me share.