Here’s a little something that’s been on my mind today. Yes, another Celebrate Recovery post. Please, don’t leave. You may find this interesting. And I will post a picture of my puppy so you will feel warm and fuzzy when you’re done reading. Ok, now that the begging is done.
Let’s begin. I have noticed something while participating in my CR group. There are a lot of married people that attend recovery alone. Many of the men can’t convince their wives to participate and many of the women are there to recover from bad relationships. When my husband started attending I thought I’d just go along to show support and really to see what they do in these meetings that would fix him. Are they really helping people in constructive ways or are they all sitting around in a circle drinking gallons of coffee commiserating about how much they hate their lives? Either way, I wasn’t there for me, I was only there to make sure he went and to show support for him. What I came to realize later was that I had issues too. Another big duh moment but seriously, even though I felt like the bigger issue was his I still spent many years developing ways to get around what was going on in our house. I learned ways to internalize, suck it up and deal, duck and cover if there was a hint of anything that was about to go downhill. I learned to react in ways that didn’t help the situation, my husband or myself.
And here’s another kick in the pants…my husband seems to have grown farther and faster than I have and completely changed his life. Me, I’m still ducking and covering because I haven’t learned to trust that he’s not going to explode if I say something he might take in another way. I am the one who still has a problem though I always assumed his issue was bigger than mine. I am still expecting the old hubby to pop up when the new and improved hubby 5.0 has proven himself to me time and again. However, since I am still in recovery and learning to let my guard down and actually trust, I am becoming a new person as well. I am becoming the person I was meant to be. I laugh again. Not just a giggle either. I’m talking gut busting guffawing here. I have a range of emotions that I never thought I’d feel again. I spent so long being numb and hiding myself that today I feel more like a kid than an adult. (and usually act like one too)
Then I got to wondering (and this is usually where it gets very dangerous) if I could tell other women about this and get them to participate then maybe they could overcome the hurts that their husband’s had done to them. They could take the twelve steps and learn not just to forgive but also how to get this part of themselves back that they lost during those years of turmoil. I remember my husband telling me when he first started recovery that Joel 2:25 kept coming to him and back then he didn’t even read the Bible, “and I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, and the consuming locust, and the cutting locust, my great army which I sent among you.” Take a look at that verse. God doesn’t just say he will restore the years the locust has eaten. He gets specific. He lists the different types of locusts. If he’s that specific about bugs how specific do you think he will get about your life?
You may have had all you can take and want to be as far away from the situation and everyone involved as you can. I understand that and that’s your decision. I made the same decision so there’s no judgment here. But whether you stay or go you need healing too. Think of it as a spiritual spa. I think of my daughter too. Do I want her to continue to see me as a broken woman held down by past hurts or do I want her to see me a triumphant victor under God’s grace? Well, honestly I want my daughter to see me as the Xena Warrior Princess of Jesus Christ but I can’t be that and hold on to my hurt at the same time. Think about it. Pray about it. If you want to talk to me about it I’m here.
And as promised…my newest puppy.