Last night I shared with my group some of the issues from my waaay past. I thought those were done and over with but I guess they will never really go away whether the people involved go away or not. Now I have two choices here. I can live in fear that I might encounter some of the people that I am afraid of seeing again or I can wait for them to die, then I won’t have to fear anymore. Well, that’s just not practical and really I do have a third choice. I can learn to let God handle the situation if it ever comes up again. Easier said than done. Let me give you a for instance.
My first boyfriend was a schmuck and a half and that’s putting it lightly. He was a real doody-head pootie pants. (edited for certain viewing audiences). I doubt he’s reading this because I’m not even sure he can read but if he is…there you go. I said it. Anyway, we were together for six months, three of which I spent trying to get away from him. I don’t know how he finally let go but something shiny must have caught his attention and off he went to stalk someone else. Now, I realize my story could have ended a lot worse and many young girls’ stories have. I’m not trying to make this worse than it is but it set the stage for every person I took up with after that. It twisted my already twisted mental image of me and how I thought I didn’t deserve better. This was in high school. Wait, let me back up. He was my second boyfriend. My first was Leroy in kindergarten and he was really sweet. If I was nicer to him things might have been different. I was so mean to him…anyway that’s a story for a different day.
Ok, back on topic. I used to think if I ever saw my old stalker boyfriend again I’d run over him with the car. I hated him that bad. I hated him for years. I hated him so bad that what I felt couldn’t be described as just hate it was more like an atomic bomb of vampire zombie annihilation. Then one night I did run across him, not literally run across him but I saw him. It was the only night my husband (my first husband) missed our weekly bowling team. The only night I would be completely alone and there HE was. Same stupid face, same stupid hat on the back of the same stupid head. Seriously, who wears their hat like that? Same stupid mannerisms, stupid rolled up jeans, stupid stupidity. And all those years of hate that I thought I had reserved for this moment left me. Stupid hate. Unreliable hate. I froze. I just stood there staring at him like an idiot. All these thoughts and emotions came rushing back to me, the first one being “just like my husband to NOT be here when I need him,” the second being “oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap.”
I finally pulled myself together enough to duck behind the ball rack before he saw me. Mature, I know. I managed to keep an eye on him all night so he couldn’t sneak up on me and boy can I tell you this really wrecked my bowling score.
He was fresh out of rehab before we started dating and I think sometimes what if he walks into one of the Celebrate Recovery meetings? What would I do? Would I shake his hand and be cool about it or would I freeze up again? Just thinking about it now is giving me a metallic taste in my mouth. Would I hide in the bathroom or walk out of the meeting? The big question is how can someone from so long ago still have such a grip on me? Honestly, I don’t think it’s him that has the grip on me. I think it’s me who still has the grip. If I am truly able to let go of this and give it to God then I don’t have to worry about what I would do if he walked into a meeting. More like slithered on his belly into the meeting, wait did I type that out loud?
My point is that fear is a lot like hate. The other person doesn’t know you fear or hate them (unless you throw rocks through their windows or slash their tires which only happened once…kidding). The fear and hate is for me, not him and I’m the only one it’s harming. He has no idea and I’m willing to bet he doesn’t even remember me and if he does he probably remembers me incorrectly. Idiot. But I take a LOT of comfort in Romans 12:19, “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” BOOYAH!
I take more comfort in this though, “I will fear no evil, for you are with me,” Psalm 23:4 and another one from the Psalms; 27:1 “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” Nobody and nothing, that’s who! So get in line fear and hate. I’m leaving you in Las Vegas.