It’s amazing how something so insignificant can take me back to the raw emotion of that little kid who didn’t feel like she was as good as everyone else around her. That she didn’t deserve the nicer things everyone else had and was duty bound to prove that not only did she not need any of those things, she really didn’t want any of those things. I could make do with what I had and be perfectly happy. I didn’t need people and I didn’t need stuff. Really though I wasn’t happy. I was angry and for a while I could hold it in. I could go off by myself and occupy my time with the things I did have and did enjoy and as long as everyone else was out of sight they were also out of mind and that’s where I liked them to be.
I’m still on my recovery journey and though I have dealt with a lot of issues that caused such a stir in myself and the glasses in which I look through, mostly at the mirror, and the world around me are starting to clear up, it has been slow going. God is only revealing a little at a time. He knows my temper and he also knows my breaking point. When you exercise you don’t exercise for hours at a time then expect to achieve the desired result as soon as you’re done. No, like everything else it takes time but not just time. There has to be a concerted effort made throughout this time. That’s the part that stinks but God is with me. He is leading me on this gentle journey, ripping off one Band-Aid at a time.
One of the questions in my step study last night was what does “easy does it” mean to me? Well, this is exactly what it means to me. Not getting in a hurry to try to fix things that I don’t realize enough of what the problem is to even know where to begin. It means only dealing with what God has put in front of me in the time that He has put it there. While we were going through these questions I had a feeling I would be tested today. And though He tested me while keeping me out of direct fire, He did allow me to feel some of the heat. I failed. Miserably. Again. But since it was a toe dip into what is usually a high dive into the pool of rage and not full on immersion into a situation in which I have not proven myself to be steady I see that He hasn’t given up on me and sees me worthy of the test.
And this is why I continue on my recovery journey. I want this exercise. I want to be tested. I want to be refined by the fire until there’s nothing left but an iron faith in Jesus Christ and kung fu Jedi master control of my emotions. I can only do this by understanding that my worth is not found in how I feel about myself compared to the other kids or their stuff. My worth is found in Christ alone.